An old habit and a new strategy
December 2020 will mark 10 years of me being a smoker. If there’s one thing y’all should know about me, it’s that I love smoking. Yes, I love it. The aroma, the headrush, the oral and hand stimulation — everything. I still to this day get excited to smoke: smoking that first cigarette with my morning cup of coffee, lighting up after a big meal, or driving around alone late at night in the summertime chain-smoking with the windows down.
The cigarette has become an extension of me and in many ways, my identity — I’m never far from my pack of butts. Pictures usually show that little three-or-so-inch white thing in between my fingers or the outline of a pack in a shirt pocket. Cigarettes can become an accessory to one’s self — images of Johnny Cash, John Steinbeck, and Keith Richards look almost incomplete without them sporting a little ascending trail of smoke.
Despite my unfortunate love affair with smoking, I know I have to quit. My wife and I are in the very beginning phases of thinking about starting a family, and I’d like to avoid subjecting my future children to secondhand smoke. Hell, I can even feel bad if I’m too close to my wife and dog when I’m smoking.
The thought of quitting has never really been sparked by the indisputable fact that smoking is terrible for my health. Quitting has always been something that I thought would just happen — that smoking is just a phase. As time has shown however, my dependency on cigarettes is alive and well. The pictures of blackened lungs and commercials of former smokers with oxygen tanks or trach tubes don’t phase me which is concerning. Up until now, I’ve never been one to take care of myself, but as I navigate the idea of bringing life into the world — and being responsible for it — I know it’s time to reckon with my vice.
I’ve tried quitting before
I’ve tried quitting three different times. The first time I tried to quit was after the first year I started smoking. I was still living with my parents and was hiding my newly-developed habit. Any time they’d make a comment about the way I smelled, I’d blame it on a bonfire or that I smoked a cigar with some buddies — cigars were permissible because they were a “special occasion” thing.
After hiding it for almost a year, my dad caught me smoking a butt on a break outside of the outlet mall store I worked at. He then told my mom and they were livid, and after days of arguments and fighting I agreed to quit. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t want to fight with them anymore.
Attempt #1: Nicotine gum & patches
My parents and I “struck a deal”; I’d only smoke cigars with my friends every once in a while and I’d use nicotine gum or patches to get my daily nicotine fix. About a week into the gum and patches, I noticed that it only made me want the real thing more. I was dying to smoke a cigarette and was able to find a loophole in our agreement: cigarellos. They provided a similar feel to cigarettes but didn’t technically break the rules. I could “justify” frequent use because I wasn’t inhaling.
After weeks of going between nicotine gum/patches and cigarellos, I still wanted one thing: a cigarette. So, I went back to it and hid it from my parents for another couple of years.
Attempt #2: Cold turkey
About a year or so later, I tried to quit again. It was during a time where I didn’t have a job and could barely scrounge enough money to buy my prized Camels. I thought, “this might be good, I don’t have a lot of money and it’s not good for me, let’s kick the habit!” After about a week of irritability and headaches, I started buying the cheapest cigarettes I could find. The random brands of cigarettes you see on the counters at bodega’s with a hand written sign that says “Miscellaneous Cigarettes — 2 packs for $4.50.”
Not even my financial situation could keep me from smoking. I was scrounging for quarters just so that I could smoke butts.
Attempt #3: Vaping
The initial appeal of vaping was the fact I could do it inside. I tried vaping because I wanted to decrease the amount of cigarettes I was smoking, however I found that I hated the taste of vape products. Vapor also tickles my throat in a way that makes me cough harder than even the harshest cigarette.
Similar to nicotine gum/patches, vaping made me want the real thing even more. I found myself spending the same amount of money I had been spending on cigarettes, plus whatever the cost of vape juices were.
After trying to quit those three times I gave up. I never really wanted to quit in the first place, so I ignored the health risks and continued to smoke. The constant throat clearing, tight chest, and general winded-ness have all become physical side effects I’ve come to accept and live with. And for the most part, I don’t really notice them anymore. I’m a smoker and have been for my entire short, adult life; I’ve been totally content with my life choice to be a smoker thus far.
A new strategy
My new strategy is focused on reduction and turning something I love into something I dread. Over the next year I plan to reduce the amount of times I allow myself smoke — I.E., no smoking in the car, only smoking one cigarette in the morning, etc. — as well as switching up my brand of cigarettes to cigarettes I dislike. Basically, July 5th 2020 started the clock and on July 5th, 2021, I hope to be done with cigarettes forever.
Periodic brand switch ups will hopefully supplement the reduction. I have to figure out a way to turn my love of cigarettes into something I no longer enjoy. A huge part of my habitual smoking is the love I have for my brand of cigarettes. I love Camel blues and look forward to every time I get to smoke them. With all that being said, I figure I can reduce my intake by only allowing myself to buy cigarettes I don’t like. For example:
- On November 4th, 2020, I’m going to start buying Camel reds. While they’re still Camels, they’re the full body versions of my blues. I’ve only ever bought them if the store I’m buying butts from is out of the blues and even then, I’ve been known to toss them if I can get to a different store that isn’t out of my blues. I can still rip through them if I’m the mood, but since they’re not as light as the blues, so I can get sick of the reds pretty quickly.
- On February 4th, 2021, I’ll move onto American Spirit yellows. They’re American Spirit’s lightest cigarette but I don’t particularly like the taste of them. I can tolerate them and usually have a pack around for guests who feel like smoking a butt after a few drinks. Spirits don’t have all those crazy chemicals like Camels do, so they taste like you’re smoking a cigar. Plus, they last so damn long that I can’t chainsmoke them like I do Camels.
- On May 4th, 2021, I will hopefully end smoking by only buying American Spirit blacks. Blacks are made with the very robust Perique tobacco which is for most people, a strong and challenging tobacco to smoke. I truly hate this cigarette, so hopefully I’ll end my smoking “career” hating and dreading going out for a smoke.
Knowing myself, the hardest part will be reduction in and of itself. However, over the past couple months I have already found ways to reduce my cigarette intake.
Nevertheless, this journey is going to be tough. When it comes to cigarettes, it’s a full blown physical and mental dependency — sometimes it’s hard for me to imagine not being a smoker. It’s hard to remember what life was like before smoking.
One of the main reasons I’m starting this blog is to have a sense of accountability to whoever may read and follow my posts. I plan to publish a blog post every week and/or every other week.
I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to do it, and I hope y’all will continue to follow me as I navigate this endeavour.
Cheers,
Ryan
*DISCLAIMER*: This will not be an advice column. I’m sharing my experiences, not how people ought to quit smoking. If you do plan on quitting, please consider consulting a medical professional.
