Boundaries and interpersonal neutral zone infractions

Imagine how much easier interpersonal interactions would be if there were universal rules for socializing?

For example, a pet peeve of mine is when people are serial interrupters — when folks don’t let the other party get a word in and steamroll their way through a conversation with a constant blitz of words.

I’m not perfect when it comes to this — especially if I’m passionate about the topic being discussed — and admit that I could benefit from a conversational referee to throw a yellow flag on the field and periodically say:

“Neutral zone infraction: Before allowing X to respond, Y kept talking. Five-word penalty, repeat 2nd response.”

If you’re unfamiliar with the football term “neutral zone infraction,” it essentially involves a player moving into the area separating the offense and the defense before the ball is snapped by the quarterback.

While rules like this don’t prevent players from committing these types of infractions, they do impose penalties. If you’ve watched your team lose a football game, you know that numerous penalties can be costly as they provide more opportunities for the opposing team to score.

This isn’t to say that social interactions are games to be won, but perhaps we’d be better off if we had a set of standardized boundaries when it came to interacting with one another.

Maybe we’d engage in less interrupting and assuming if there were clear guidelines on when to speak or listen.

Since a universal rulebook for social interactions doesn’t exist, we as individuals must self-advocate by setting and enforcing our own personal boundaries.

This may seem painstakingly obvious — because it is — but self-advocacy is harder than it may seem.

I, for one, have struggled with setting boundaries. My at times overly flippant, “go with the flow” approach to interpersonal relationships has bitten me in the ass more times than I can count.

Being an extrovert when it comes to social settings enables me to let my guard down too quickly. For example, this disposition can cause me to trust too quickly, giving people the opportunity to unknowingly commit neutral zone infractions.

If you’ve ever read any of my other blog posts, you know that much of my life is an open book. While this openness isn’t inherently bad — it allows people to feel comfortable talking to me, can lead to friendships forming more quickly, etc. — this “right off the snap” openness can lack the appropriate boundaries that define what crosses the neutral zone.

Whether the intent is malicious or not, this can result in the other party taking advantage of my openness.

I once had a friend whose intentions were questionable and would often hear from friends who interacted with them things like:

“Sorry about that, X said you wouldn’t care.”

Similarly, sometimes the direct other party has said things like:

“What’s the problem? I didn’t think I overstepped when I said that because we’re so close.”

By not setting boundaries in my relationships, I often feel taken advantage of and am reminded that I must be my own referee with the yellow flag.

While it’s a muscle many of us have to build and be aware of, setting these boundaries is a lot easier when:

• We identify what topics are off-limits.
• We are in tune with our emotions.

Off-limits topics

When I was a kid, I was really defensive if someone spoke about my mom.

I never engaged in “your mom” jokes because even an innocent joke about my mom could set me off.

In high school, I played hockey, and if you’ve ever played sports, you know just how crude locker room conversations can be. I wasn’t an angel and still talk like a sailor to this day, but being smaller in stature to some of the older players — and having a mom who doesn’t seem to age — I became a target for lewd jokes related to my mom.

These instances were often resolved with fights, both in the locker room and on the ice during practice.

Fortunately for me, having the courage to exchange knucks in a tilt earns respect and eventually made the jokes about my mom cease. The goons who once poked fun became my enforcers during games.

While a fistfight is permissible in the game of hockey, it’s obviously not the same in normal life. That said, the sentiment of making it clear what crosses personal boundaries provides others with a clear line of what is to be respected going forward.

Another off-limits topic — specifically at work — is politics in general. Unless I trust someone enough to venture into this topic — e.g., my good friend and colleague Arun — I have no interest in delving into a topic that more often than not, turns toxic.

Most of the time, I simply disengage and let others do the talking until I can re-engage when a new topic comes up.

If I’m in a one-on-one conversation and politics comes up, the silence strategy isn’t possible, forcing me to do the hardest boundary-setting activity:

Respectfully speaking up.

“With how often it’s discussed on social media, the topic of politics exhausts me, and I particularly don’t like talking about it at work. Could we please move on?”

Every time I’ve done this, the person receiving my message has been respectful of my request.

Self-advocating with your voice is hard but is such an important habit to get into. You can’t control what others say, but how you react and communicate with others allows you to set healthy boundaries, as long as you do so respectfully.

Tuning into your emotions

Tuning into your emotions is more about recognizing what your body is doing when you start to feel a negative emotional response.

For example, I can have an at times, volatile temper.

When we get angry, our muscles tense up, which, for me, is a warning signal I need to heed to prevent my simmering temper from boiling over.

While I still have moments where I lose my temper, I try my best to call a “time-out” and remove myself from the situation.

This strategy has done wonders for my marriage. If my wife and I are having an argument that starts to become contentious, I will say:

“I’m starting to simmer. I need a minute.”

Communicating this simple phrase acts as a mutually regulated neutral zone that cannot be crossed.

• Nothing productive will result from me losing my temper.
• In times of conflict, we both need a minute to cool off and process our thoughts and feelings about the situation at hand.

Sometimes all we need is a minute of space, and other times we need to sleep on things — it all depends on the degree of the conflict.

Regardless, this crucial and adhered to boundary allows each of us the space to dig into what’s underneath our respective feelings toward the conflict, enabling us to work out what the actual problem is with clearer minds and more empathy toward one another.

Every time we do this, we are better off because the timeout reminds us that we’re on the same team, working toward the same goal.

While I might be trying to score a touchdown, H might be trying to score a field goal. We’re both looking to put points on the board for our team of two, but unless we take a moment to assess where we are on the field to see the bigger picture, we are more likely to make a bad play.

Virtually all the bad plays we make in our relationships are a result of not having healthy boundaries. So, make them clear and repeat them respectfully when necessary.

Cheers, Ry

P.S. Go Cowboys.