Joy: Reframing and reclaiming the holidays
The holiday season is an interesting little pocket of time. There’s an overarching theme and story everyone has heard but like any thing that’s socially deemed as “significant,” the essence of the holidays can mean different things to different people.
Some people — like my wife — go full Griswold. As soon as Thanksgiving ends, Christmas music rings in their homes and cars on a constant loop. Their homes and living spaces are decked out with lights — reflecting their bright enthusiasm for the season — and overnight, the tree almost seems to sprout gifts beneath it.
While these Whoville-like people eagerly await the big day, others turn into their own versions of the Grinch. For these folks, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is like nails on a chalkboard. The youthful twinkling lights some adore, are blinding and annoying. For many, the season is a means to an end and they can’t wait to go to Target without being assaulted with commercial holiday greetings.
It’s excitingly anticipated, dreaded, and everything else in between. Past experiences can dictate how we experience future occurrences of the holiday season and it only takes one bad Christmas — or spectacular one — to influence our individual holiday vibe. The holidays and their meaning is deeply personal.
From my late teens into my mid 20s I kind of hated Christmas. The holidays became a season of artificial, superficial “significance” that I just had to just endure. It was a mere day off from work and with every holiday greeting I mostly replied, “Bah Humbug.”
That was until I saw how much joy the season brings my wife, H.
H can’t get enough of the holidays. She decorates before Thanksgiving and even looks at Thanksgiving as a part of the Christmas season. For her, it goes from spooky orange and purple lights in October, to bright red and green lights in November — if H had her way, there’d be a tree in every room.
During our first Christmas as a married couple in December 2017, H started to notice how irritable I got once holiday topics came up. After a while, H called it out, which prompted me to talk about my one bad Christmas that spoiled the whole season, at-large.
After she listened to my story, H added that “We can create our own traditions together though. Yes, nothing can change the past and you have every right to feel the way you feel. But the holidays can mean something different if you want them to.”
In short, H reminded me that I can reframe the season and reclaim it for myself. And even though it took me another couple of years to warm back up to the holidays, I took H’s advice.
H’s reminder is important because it puts stock in one of the most valuable emotional responses we can have to bad times — hope. The hope of renewal, rejuvenation, and the emotional endurance to hunt for the good.
Trauma: Fight, fly, or freeze
At the root of my Scrooge was trauma and at the root of any trauma is fear — that’s at least what my therapist says.
Fear forces us to either fight, fly, or freeze and when I’m scared, I choose to fight and get angry. When I’m angry, my universe feels like it’s crumbling on top of me which makes me want to fight my way through the ruins and leave everything scorched in my path.
In the case of Christmas, I resented the whole holiday season and at times, anyone who claimed they “loved” it. I wanted the whole world to know how fake their beloved holiday was because of how angry the holidays made me. The season of “hope” had none and when you live in fear, feeling hope in any capacity is sparse.
Hope is an active choice — it’s a mindset. And the tricky part is navigating the difference between ignorance and reality.
Life is hectic, all the time — stress and trauma isn’t going anywhere and I’m not suggesting we buy into artificial “happiness.” But allowing yourself to find joy amidst the chaos can totally change your perspective, for the better. To me, the holiday season is now a reminder that we should and can find joy in life.
Yes, life is a shitshow most of the time — and it always will be.
But joy and hope? That shit is free.
It doesn’t cost a dime but it is so valuable for our endurance as we walk our own paths. Life’s journey is seldom easy but the little things, like watching someone you love fully immerse themselves in something for the sake of feeling joy is truly priceless.
Now, I’m stoked about the holidays. When H comes up to me in mid-November, and says, “I think we should put up the Christmas decorations this weekend” with an ear to ear smile, I find nothing but joy and eagerness to decorate with her. I can’t wait to actively reclaim the holidays and just be joyful — to allow myself to appreciate something for what it is.
Count your blessings, let joy be free
To me, joy — and allowing yourself to be joyful — is what the holidays are all about. The holiday season is a reminder to reflect on our blessings even if it seems like we can only count them on one hand.
“Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing, but of reflection.”
-Winston Churchill
Blessings are blessings nonetheless and don’t let trauma get in the way of them. We will always have to deal with trauma and fear but we don’t need to let them dictate our lives.
Count your blessings and be joyful for them. Joy is good for you.
Happy Holidays and as always, cheers,
Ry
P.S. Amidst my holiday reframing, came a lot of music I connected with. Here’s a shortlist of collections, songs, and renditions of Christmas music I enjoy:
Albums:
- Vince Giraldi Trio’s A Charlie Brown Christmas
- Frank Sinatra’s A Jolly Christmas
- Rockin’ Little Christmas compilation
Songs:
- The Ravonette’s The Christmas Song
- She & Him’s The Christmas Waltz
- The Shins’ Wonderful Christmastime
- Andrew Bird’s Auld Lang Syne
