Lessen your extremes: Anxiety and fear
The last time H and I drove to Pittsburgh to visit my in-laws, a tracker trailer truck almost ran us into another car.
I won’t sugar coat it, an asshole in a truck that can’t stop on a dime, who was weaving in and out of rush hour traffic, almost killed us and it was terrifying. And if it weren’t for the person I almost ran off the road to slow down and let us in their lane, my whole universe — H and Memphis — could’ve been taken away from me.
So, what was my immediate response?
To lash out in a rage to a driver who couldn’t even hear me. I called that truck driver almost every profane name under the sun and probably wished him harm. Inconsiderate people who put other lives in danger, piss me off to no end.
With white knuckles clutching the steering wheel and a voice that scratched on curse words like gravel, anger flowed through my veins like alcohol. From total sobriety to inebriation — when I lose my temper to things that scare me, the “liquor” is quick.
While anxiety and fear are interrelated — i.e., anxiety can cause fear and vice versa — the anxiety of not being able to control what’s happening around you, is an example of anxiety rooted in fear. That’s at least how I understand it.
It’s a very basic and natural response for humans to fear the things we cannot control. In my case, I couldn’t control a reckless driver which made me anxious. And why did it make me anxious? Because I feared it would harm my beloved wife and dog.
Anxious moments like these — that are driven by fear — force us to choose fight, flight, or freeze. For me, when I can’t control a situation I’m fearful of, my blood boils — my anxiety and fear manifests via my temper.
While anxiety manifests differently for everyone, anxiety by way of fear is common and one of our most basic human emotions. Maybe you’re like my wife and in that scenario with the truck, you freeze. I wasn’t any more “scared” than H just because my response was more vocal — how her and I cope and deal with fear is just different.
As many of us embark on or continue paths to be more mindful of what makes us anxious, it’s important for those who have anxiety to develop mechanisms to simmer down our emotional responses to things, in the moment. For me, this journey to be more mindful of myself is all about keeping my temper at bay.
Of course, I’m no expert in this; however, as I unpack my own anxiety with a therapist, I’ve kept track of little reminders she has shared so that I can let the next tractor trailer truck go on his merry reckless way, without seeing red.
“Lessen your extremes”
For me, these reminders are helpful for in the moment, de-escalation. One of which is saying to myself, “lessen your extremes.”
When something threatens someone(s) and/or something I deeply care about, I’m ruthless — particularly with my words. Think of a food possessive dog — with every snarl, snip, and growl is a “fuck you,” “go to hell,” and “try me.”
I never physically lash out — thankfully — but the tone in which I react to things that scare me is nothing if it’s not combative and aggressive. If I “boil over,” whoever or whatever is causing it, is going to hear it.
In order to combat the boil over and properly simmer down, I first have to be completely in tune with my body.
The next time you get anxious, notice your muscles — your fists, jaw, brow, etc. and release them.
Our physical reactions can have a powerful impact on our headspace. So, breathe deeply and relax your body — intentionally release the tension.
Being aware of this extreme has been one of the most practical ways for me to get ahead of my boil over. Our body naturally reacts to our mental state — so, we have to reverse engineer this bodily reaction and use it to calm our mental state when we are triggered to fight, fly, or freeze.
Fighting, flying, or freezing is the boil over and knowing when you’re simmering — i.e., tensing up — is key to stop it, before it happens.
Listen to your body — let it lead your mind on how it processes and approaches stressors. A body and mind that works in harmony is how we can better accept what we can’t control — relaxed muscles and deep breaths allow our minds to follow suit.
“Seperate the emotion out of it”
Depending on how anxiety — of any kind — affects your day to day, reflecting on the emotion of a situation is my next step as I relax my body. I ask myself things like:
How do I separate my emotion out of what’s happening around me?
Or, how do I not let the outside dictate my inside?
The acceptance of not being able to control most outside factors is a big one.
For example, when it comes to other people — a huge stressor for many of us — we must accept that we are ultimately not responsible for the decisions, actions, and whether we like it or not, the feelings of other people. Sure, how we respond can heavily influence others reactions — our reaction matters — but every reaction is an individual choice.
So, if person A loses their temper on person B, B is forced to fight, fly, or freeze — making how we react with the world around us, key for how we manage stress, fear, and anxiety.
“When in doubt, separate yourself — physically”
Depending on the severity of a situation, I find that simply removing myself from the situation can help accelerate the previous two steps.
For example, after that tracker trailer truck incident, I should’ve pulled over at the soonest rest stop and given myself a break.
In reality, we are our only advocate, and those who suffer from anxiety need to get into the rhythm of communicating their needs. Whether that’s internally or to someone else, we must be aware of when we need something. And most times, that thing is simply separation and space.
I often need “10 minutes” — especially when I start to simmer. Once I start to tense up, I can feel my emotions rush, and I know that if I spend much longer in this state, the chances of me boiling over are extremely high.
This separation allows us to process the situation because we’ve eliminated the situation. It helps me recalibrate and pick a part what’s underneath stress — I ask myself things like:
- Why is this making me angry?
- What about it makes me want to “boil over?”
- What about this is maybe scaring me?
- What can I actually control, right now?
Separation allows me to rechannel all the energy I would use to boil over into a more productive reaction. “Ten minutes” to ask yourself questions about the what’s, why’s, who’s, and how’s of stressors breaks up simmering anxiety. It cools down your mind in the moment and allows you to reckon with your fears, rather than emotionally reacting to them.
Mindfulness reveals insight
When we actively and intentionally reflect on what makes us fearful and anxious, we get better at getting ahead of ourselves — in a good way. We’re more effective at spotting triggers, “keeping them on safe,” and disarming our more extreme emotional reactions.
It takes a lot of intentionality, attention, and active self awareness to process and handle less than desirable situations but with anything, practice makes perfect.
As you become more mindful of yourself — and what you need in order to keep negative emotions at bay — you’ll become more confident in yourself and your ability to stay calm and navigate scary/chaotic situations, in the moment.
Cheers,
Ry
P.S. Go to therapy.
