Most days I don’t want to quit
Never half-ass two things — whole-ass one thing.
-Ron Swanson
When Ron Swanson said that to Leslie Knope in episode 16, season four of Parks and Recreation, Ron was re-insisting that Leslie take a sabbatical from her job at the Parks Department.
For those who are unfamiliar with Parks and Rec, Leslie Knope is a bright-eyed, energetic, and at times, overly eager and over achieving government employee. During this period of the show, Leslie decides to run for City Council — all while trying to balance her full-time job as Deputy Director of the Pawnee, Indiana Parks Department. Throughout the show, we see Leslie loving and thriving off all work related to her governmental and political aspirations. In this episode however, Ron points out that she’s slipping up on things she wouldn’t normally slip up on — she’s spread herself too thin and her eager, go-getting ego is too stubborn to realize it.
Though it took quite a bit of arm twisting — Leslie is notoriously stubborn for wanting to “do it all” — Ron in all of his stoic wisdom was able to convince Leslie to take a temporary leave of absence from the Parks Department. That way she could fully focus on running for office.
While I don’t relate with Leslie’s energy and vigor all the time, I can relate to her stubbornness of failing to realize that biting off more than you can chew, can result in half-assing something.
Am I half-assing this whole quitting thing?
If there is one blog post of mine that has convicted me the most, it is my last one — Am I actually “quitting” or am I just making excuses? To be totally honest, it has shaken me to the point where I’m not really sure how effective my overall strategy will actually be.
I’ve been staring at the draft for this blog post for about three months now and have gotten numerous messages from several of my readers inquiring about how my quitting journey is going. It’s going, but over the past few months I’ve been hit hard with the reality that cigarettes still have quite the hold on me. Back in February, I switched to American Spirit Yellows — my next “brand switch-up” — but didn’t see a reduction in the number of cigarettes I smoke each day. I’m now back on the Camel Reds and have stayed at the half pack-ish a day mark since December. I’ll take it as a little win as it’s good to not be at a pack a day anymore.
This past holiday season, I was fortunate enough to take a stay-cation the week after Christmas. My original plan was to take that week to write more, but instead, I unplugged and took the week off to recharge. I usually like to have two to three blog drafts in the pipe, but I’ve found myself slightly uninspired to write for this blog. And while I have a couple unfinished rough draft ideas in the queue, I don’t want to force anything if nothing is there.
When I was on vacation, I dug deep and reflected on why I was feeling so uninspired to write for this blog. I started a draft that was going to be all about how I was “excited and energized” to take on this new year, but if I’m being honest, that blog post would’ve been a lie.
One of the main reasons why I feel uninspired to write for this blog, is due to being out of the more “tactical” ideas of limiting my cigarette intake. I still limit the amount of cigarettes I allow myself to smoke — in the car, my workday rations, etc. — most of the time. As of today, I smoke substantially less than I used to, but some days are better than others and I’ve learned that I’m not immune from indulging in my desire to chain smoke.
On paper, I’m doing “good” with my strategy, for the most part. However, I also can’t ignore the reason why I feel so lackluster about my strategy at times. At the core of my current state is the fact that some — or if I’m being totally honest, most — days I just don’t want to quit at all.
The battle of two selves
Over the past few months, I’ve been taking better care of myself. I’ve incorporated a workout routine — cardio, kettlebell exercises, and yoga — that I’ve come to actually enjoy. Sure, some mornings all I want to do is skip my workout and sleep for a little longer, but most of the time I feel good physically. On top of that, in January, I did a booze-cleanse and it truly feels good to feed my body the way it ought to be fed — it feels good to take care of myself.
I still have a long way to go as it pertains to my weight loss, strength, and flexibility goals, but I have a newfound appreciation and vigor to keep at it. Getting in shape and focusing on my health is something that I desperately need to do and for the first time in many years, I want to do it.
With all being said, that is just one of my two selves. While my new, healthy-self is fighting for its wellness, my other, indulgent-self consistently pops its way into my head to make excuses. This pseudo Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde battle for my health has revealed the truth of good intentions going astray. I want to take care of my body, but find myself resisting a full commitment in doing so. The devil is in the details, and when I look at my journey to better my health — holistically — the genuine desire to still smoke rears its ugly head time and time again. And when I see that ugly head, I feel like I’m not “whole-assing” my mission to better my health.
So, where am I at with my quitting journey?
Among the numerous readers who have reached out to me during my radio silence, the most common question has been: “How is your quitting journey going? I’m looking forward to your next blog post.” Each time I respond, I almost feel like I’m letting those who are cheering me on and following me on my journey, down. In my mind, my journey has kind of stopped. It’s like my car broke down and I’m waiting to find out if it’s totaled or if it can be repaired — the unknown state of my journey is heavy on my mind. I want to take care of myself, but I still love smoking.
About a month or so ago, I was hanging out with H after work, and I felt compelled to be transparent with her regarding my revelation of not really wanting to quit anymore.
I said to H, “Hey sweets, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Sure, bub,” H replied. “What’s up?”
“Sometimes I don’t think I’ll be able to quit in July.”
H put down her phone and asked, “How come? I believe you can. Haven’t you been doing good with your plan?”
“Yeah, technically I have. But some days I just don’t want to.”
“Why is that?” H asked.
In a slightly embarrassed tone, I replied, “Because I just love smokin’ too much. I don’t know if I’m actually quitting for me.”
H sighed, and looked at me with kind eyes, “I get that. And I know you do. Maybe you have to rediscover why you’re quitting in the first place.”
Disappointed in myself, I nodded and said, “Yeah, I guess I need to reevaluate this whole quitting thing.”
Since I’ve switched to Camel Reds, and despite me not totally loving their taste, I’ve gotten used to them. Sure, I don’t smoke as many of them as I did with Camel Blues, but at this very moment, I already feel like I’m destined to relapse after I’m “supposed” to quit on July 5th of this new year. When I temporarily switched to American Spirit Yellows, it was further discouraging that my cigarette per day intake didn’t go down like I thought it would. With all being said, I can’t help but ask myself:
- Am I destined to always be a smoker?
- Am I destined to be that person who has a pack and smokes here and there?
- Is being a “part-time” smoker even possible? If so, is that a big deal?
The normal person would probably say, “Just rip the band aid off and quit already — stop beating around the bush. Your ‘strategy’ clearly isn’t working all that much.” This hypothetical observation is fair. Because right now, I feel like I’m not giving it my all and feel like I’m destined to fail. And there’s a part of me that would be okay with failing, because then I’d still have cigarettes.
Throughout this journey I have received an overwhelming amount of support which I truly appreciate. In fact, since I’ve received so much encouragement, I felt this blog had become a means to hold me accountable. But if I’m being fully transparent with myself, and those who are rooting for me, most days I’m not sure if I truly want to quit, for me. And if I’ve learned anything from former smokers, that’s a big deal — I’ve been told that if I do quit, it has to be because I want to for myself.
I don’t have much more to say about this particular matter, at this time. And I’m not sure when I’ll post again. Part of the reason why the future of this blog is ambiguous is being at bandwidth in general. Work is busy and I’ve started to write a book which takes up a lot of my free time. The other reason why the future of this blog is uncertain is the feeling of needing to go back to square one, and really deciding for myself if I truly want to quit — whether that’s now, in July, or in general. Because if I’m being totally honest, right now, I don’t want to quit.
Cheers,
Ryan
P.S., I thought I’d share a very kind note from one of my biggest supporters who I shared this draft with before publishing.
I think this is an awesome post, and I don’t think you need to have all the solutions to your quitting journey right now. I think this is a super transparent and honest post, and your fans and supporters who have been following it will appreciate that. By sharing so honestly you are truly helping someone else on a similar journey.
Thanks, amigo. Your kind words mean a lot.
